Everything you could possibly want to know about Gordon Brown

So, what with a new prime minister that no one voted for and all that. I decided to do a little research, ask around, gauge public opinion (at the pub) and write down for you guys, as your loyal British Correspondent, what's what with the new leader of the United Kingdom of the British Isles and Northern Ireland. Apologies for length. Here we go:

☼ Upon entering university suffered from a detached retina, is blind in one eye, 30% vision in other. Friends say this made him more determined and driven as a person

☼ Went to Edinburgh at 16, got a first class honours degree (top top top degree only one person gets a year).

☼ Was part of an academic experiment for gifted children

☼ Never disapproved of heavy joint-smoking or bonking at university but didn’t indulge himself.

☼ Became rector at the age of 20 (usually given to a show business star like Peter Ustinov) after a political campaign involving girls in miniskirts. Oh how apt.

☼ Liked power a lot. Freaked out university board by his hunger.

☼ Had a serious love-affair with a Romanian princess who was 81^st in line to the british throne (if 81 people died, Brown would have been Queen Consort, like the Duke of Edinburgh now is) Despite being madly in love with him, they broke up with her quoted as saying it was all “politics politics politics” with him. What an idiot.

☼ In 1975, he made a big splash with The Red Paper for Scotland, a collection of essays on the country's political future, in which he called for "a positive commitment to creating a socialist society". Surprising for a man that brought his own brand of “Turbo-Thatcherism” to the UK, bringing decadent, traditionalist indulgence in wealth rather than belt-tightening, higher taxes and better welfare.

☼ Brown and blair were great buddies, always together, going on foreign trips together, writing each others’ speeches. In the early days the budget (made by the chancellor of the exchequer, the post that Brown occupied FOR TEN YEARS before his recent rise to prime minister) set the tone for the party’s direction and he made some major economic reforms such as making the Bank of England independent.

☼ Brown was the intellectual heavyweight and Blair was the smiley camera-lover. Brown had roots in the Labour party’s origins, Blair had roots in spin and his chameleon-like ability to change colour to fit the mood of the nation; “ooh do people not like Russia today? Right, I’ll make sure I say they’re all nobcheeses on morning TV and remind everyone of how I always thought they were nobcheeses and am very glad people see things my way finally because I’m so fucking clever.” Brown is considered to be the one that tutored Blair in this skill.

☼ Over the last 7 years Blair and Brown disliked each other intensely, with political satirists always painting Brown to be the covetous, conniving, dour Scotsman who lived next door to the lying, impish Blair, always plotting his way into no. 10. (The Chancellor, traditionally, does live next door to the PM on Downing Street). Their relationship was publicly known to be quite a sour one.

☼ Important thing to remember? He’s very Scottish. Hard to really convey what traits a Scotsman stereotypically has, but its strangely akin to West Norwegian ideals we’ve seen at college. But generally far less wealthy. He was also the son of a Church of Scotland clergyman, and has been quoted as describing that background as the source of his moral compass. But he is very secular in comparison with the now-catholic Blair. Hopefully he wont describe the Iraq war as a “crusade” like his moronic predecessor did.

☼ Blair saw it as his destiny that he should bring the UK into the Euro. Brown wrested control from no.10 and devised 5 economic tests that must be passed before the UK could safely acquiesce to joining the single European currency. This, in my opinion, cleverly evaded what would have been an economic disaster for England without causing too much hassle and being backed up by obvious common sense. It did, however, piss off Blair. So good idea all round.

☼ He’s not good in front of a camera, his smiles look forced even when he is constantly reminded to deliver them.

☼ Brown saved Blair’s career as PM over the commons vote on university top-up fees. Blair would have had to resign if the vote had gone against him, but at the last minute Brown pulled his strings and his followers, his backbenchers, swung the vote for Blair, providing him with a win by just 5 votes (out of 646).

☼ He is pro-america, but not as much as Blair, having more friends in the Democratic party than Republican. He is pro-europe, but from a practical and economical, rather than integrationist or cultural viewpoint.

☼ He’s following the current plan of moving Iraq into an endgame and plugging more and more troops into the leaky bloodbath that is Afghanistan.

☼ Brown doesn’t care about the Middle East as much as Blair (probably why Blair is now becoming the Middle East Envoy). On a visit to Israel and the Palestinian territories in 2005, he got Israeli and Palestinian economic ministers together for the first time in many years.

☼ The appointment of Simon McDonald, a former British ambassador to Israel, as his foreign policy adviser has delighted the Israelis, who see McDonald as "friend of Israel". So that’s why Moses likes him

☼ In foreign policy he likes to follow the UN and not overstep the obvious boundaries of being but one European country with appropriate limited power.

☼ He wants Turkey into the EU, more support for industry, farm reform, agrees with Sarkozy, does not want to be a major player though, don’t think of Britain as becoming a Continental Nation just yet, oh no, he wants to stay pragmatic, free-market, and to an extent independent. But he is no idiot when it comes to the obvious market advantages of the Union.

☼ He is jumping on the Global Warming bandwagon at full-tilt with the appointment of Al Gore as a policy advisor. Party members foresee clashes with Bush on this issue.

☼ He wants to get Britain closer to the commonwealth, increasing British aid, in real terms, over 140% since 1997, to nearly £6.5 billion.

Any questions? Ask me.